Not who I used to be...

Ever taking the time to look back over your life? Ever thought about where you used to be, and then realize where you are now in comparison? When is the last time you just sorta took inventory of your life, looking for those things which need improvement, and taking note of those things that have already been improved?

I hope to be someone who keeps things constantly in perspective. I never want to walk blindly in this life, unaware of who I have been or who I am becoming. It's amazing how different situations and circumstances in life influence and direct that person that we eventually become. Even as I say that "who we become" just seems like such a foreign idea, like trying to touch even the closest of stars. At what point in life do we stop and declare"This is who I've become"? "I am who I was meant to be!" Seems to me like we will, until the day we breathe our last breath on this earth, always be becoming.

Meanwhile, the process continues. And what a process it is. I am finding that the road to who I am becoming, the road to maturity, the road to adulthood, the road to being a good husband, the road to being successful in my work, the road to being a good father (one day a long time from now for those of you who are thinking Karen and I might be expecting....not yet!!!), the road to life lived as Christ intends it is a painful road full of bumps, blowouts, breakdowns, and all sorts of unexpected twists and turns!

I think I must be at a significant point in that journey for some reason! And by significant point I mean I am hitting some serious bumps on this stretch of road. I am at a point where who I am becoming is completely different than who I used to be, and who I am now is not who I want to be in the future. Those things that for me used to be so black and white are now being challenged and changed into this fuzzy, unintelligible gray. The areas that I used to feel most confident in, now seem to be my area of greatest weakness. I'm not talking about foundational things. There are things that will never change in my life, and in the foundation of my beliefs. But the more life I live, the more complicated some things seem to get...such that it is hard to find a real place of rest. In younger days, it seemed like there were plenty of times where life was OK, because I had it all figured out....or maybe because I didn't have to have it all figured out yet. Those days are seemingly no more, not in this place of my life.

Yet at the very core of my doubt, disbelief, struggles, and shortcomings, I know....I have to know... that who I am becoming depends on less of what I make of myself. Who I am becoming really depends on how much of myself I am willing to let go. And yet I am so persistent and adamant about doing this myself. I will change. I will try. I will work. I will bend. I will become.

I am weak. I am small. I am shortsighted. I am stubborn. I am torn. And on this stretch of road, I just need to surrender the wheel (yep..that's right.....God has been my copilot...not my pilot....that'd make a good church sign.....hmmmm). I am in desperate need to have Christ-in-me become my Hope of Glory again. I am in deep need to once again abide in Christ, and HIM in me.....for apart from HIM I can do nothing...I was nothing.....apart from HIM, I am becoming nothing.

God, you made all of the delicate, inner parts of my body, and knit me together in my mother's womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous, how well I know it!
Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the road of everlasting life. Psalm 139:13,16,14,23-24


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