How The Grinch Stole Christmas Songs

In my last post I submitted a list of my favorite Christmas songs this season. It wasn't an exhaustive list by any stretch because there are a ton of great Christmas songs and albums out.

However, there are some really bad Christmas songs out there as well that somehow seem to make there way through the radio waves, into my radio, and usually into my head. So below is my top 10 list of really really bad Christmas songs that you'll want to avoid at all costs this Christmas season

10. Happy Christmas War is Over - John Lenon and Yoko Ono - Man did Yoko ruin a great musician and writer. This song shouldn't even be on a Christmas play list as far as I am concerned...the melody is as dreary as the lyrics, which makes it completely unenjoyable. Thanks John and Yoko for opening wide the proverbial winter window and throwing out the Christmas spirit!

9. Jingle Bells - I tried to find out who sings this but couldn't....but I am talking about a specific version...the one that is really fast all in one breath "jinglebellsjinglebellsjingleallthewayheyohwhatfunitistorideinaonehorseopensleighhey" Hey maybe this year you should ask Santa for some Riddlin'!

8. The Christmas Song - Aaron Neville - Who decided this guy had a good voice? I'm gonna put my issues with the song aside (but really what is up with roasting chestnuts?) to simply say that I've heard geese with better voices.......come to think of it, Aaron sorta sounds like a goose with some major vibrato problems.

7. Little Drummer Boy - Kenny G - because nothing says drumming like a long curly mullet and some smooth brass.

6. I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas - do I really need to explain the lunacy of this song?

5. Grown Up Christmas List - I think this one is best known as preformed by Vanessa Williams (and there is a version done by Amy Grant...which explains so much about this song), but regardless of who sings it, this song is not only bad, but I'm pretty well convinced it is one giant melodic lie. I think I can safely classify myself as a grown-up (though still terribly young at heart) and my Christmas list looks nothing like this. And no other grown ups I know have this type of list either. I mean sure we all want peace on earth and to rid the world of poverty...but trust me, singing this song isn't going to accomplish that!!

4. Winter Wonderland/Sleigh Ride - Kenny and Dolly - Before Kenny's face became plastic, but not before the addition of plastic in other parts on one of the duos bodies (I'll let you guess who), this recording is dreadfully sappy....and just plain silly! I can't say I'm a big fan of either one of their music, but put them together and you just get BAD!!

3. Grandma Got Run over by a Reindeer - Elmo and Patsy - So when did it become funny for convoluted, alcoholic Grandmothers to be tragically killed in what can only be described as a catastrophic accident? I mean, Grandma needed help way before this happened. And the song paints reindeer in such an unfairly negative light!

2. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus - This song is disturbing. I mean it's either about an affair (problem A) or about a child seeing their parents making out and then writing a song about it (problem B). Either way, the song is just as wrong as it is annoying!

1. The Christmas Shoes - Newsong - Why is it that such a cheesy song has the inevitable ability to make me cry. And I'm not talking about a sniffle. I'm talking about boo-hoo, snotty-nose, don't-just-stand-there-and-gawk-bring-me-a-tissue kind of sob! I mean....come on....they wrote this song after they received the same forwarded e-mail that we all received years ago.....stop playing it already so I can enjoy the holidays and stop thinking about that poor child who...sniff...doesn't...sniff sniff...have enough.....sniff sniff pfffff....money for the....sniff sniff....SHOES!

This was a hard list to compress to only 10, so some dis-honorable mentions go to

A)Feed The World - Do They Know its Christmas? by everybody who was anybody in 1985 including Boy George, Sting, Bono (and a string of only-one-name-monichered people). Formally known as BandAid--pun intended I think--this song is just as awful as their haridos!

B)Last Christmas by George Michael (who appears on our list twice. He too was in Bandaid) - This song probably wins the award for most played Christmas song, which baffles me, because it is so horrible!!

So there you have it. The worst Christmas songs you should avoid this Christmas. Consider yourself warned, and remember, only you can prevent bad Christmas songs from being heard.

4 comments:

I really enjoyed reading both these lists. Your "good" songs aren't necessarily all my favorites, but they are great songs/versions that I love to hear. On the other hand, I pretty much agree 100% with your "bad" list, except that I'd have to add Santa Baby sung by Marilyn Monroe. I HATE that song!

November 29, 2007 at 11:11 AM  

@Zeez:No joke! That Santa Baby song is just gross.

@Matt: I feel bad when it comes to Christmas Shoes because I know it should be a heart-warming story from a Christian perspective. Plus I should be glad that a Christian group is getting mainstream attention. But it simply doesn't do anything but irritate me. It's such a tired concept for a song. And the fact that it was inspired by an email is just deplorable.

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